9.11.99

New Town Blues.
I recall an afternoon in a park. it was windy. not too windy to where the wind chapped my lips, but i needed a jacket to keep my arms free of goosebumps.

this city is different from what im used to. nothing like it. sitting back at "home" in california, my mind was filled with such disillusionment about this place.

the brick wall outside my window doesnt resemble the walls we hopped to get into chaffey college to have a day of skating. the buildings dont look like the ones we'd walk past each day in summer with an ice cream cone in our hands from the nearby dq. the houses are all different. no planned neighborhoods. no sav-on drugs to joke about. no carl jr.'s to eat famous stars at. no am/pms to top off the tank and grab some skittles at. no showcase where cigarette smoking was banned at after the afi show. damned cops meddle in everyone elses business.

i guess i figured things would be the same, just on the opposite side of the country.

never noticed how big this country was. took seven days to get across it. going the long way. through arizona and new mexico. cactus and hills of brown, golden sunsets and white sands. texas. two days. snow and ice. metropolitan dallas. arkansas and missouri where everyone spoke with that obnoxious, yet sweet southern accent. illinois, indiana, ohio. slept most of the time going through there. too many tears rolled down my cheeks and i didnt want to think anymore. then here. pennsylvania. the place ive dreaded for the past year. a year goes damn fast. especially when you dont want it to.

my life never seemed so perfect before now. but i guess everything that makes you smile, will come to an end someday. depressing, isnt it.

a new town isnt what i wanted. not at my age. too young and free to worry about making myself a new life. which hasnt been easy. nothings as easy as it was when i was ten. kids dont jump at my feet and want me to play hide-and-seek with them or bring my barbie dolls over and dress them up for prom. im not much older than ten. but, i am. all at once.

friends. hmph. sensitive subject. sleep too much to make any. ive tried. everyone here seems to be too busy with their own life to make time for another. another who hurts, but they dont realize it. smiles always help cover pain up. i suggest you use that technique in a time of need. ive gone a few places here, a few times. metro for instance. the same smell as showcase, before afi that is. atmospheres the same. kids having the time of their life. but, i closed my eyes. no one speaks to me there. im just someone they dont know, so they wont know me. if you catch my drift. ive gone to the few other places where people actually go in this dull town. two cups of coffee and a
bag of skittles later, i realize its pointless.

so im here. in this city. alone. drag my feet along these lonely streets of wilkes-barre while trying to think of an escape plan. college. eighteen. anything. its just all too different from before. the pain hurts my shoulders. i cant carry this load anymore. "if there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry. im right up the road, ill share your load if you just call me. lean on me when youre not strong, and ill be your friend. ill help you carry on, for it wont be long til im gonna need somebody to lean on."

-Alyssa